Over a decade ago I started my first online blog: My100Goals. At the time a lot of people were blogging and it seemed - as a writer - the thing to do. I eventually deleted that blog and would like to reflect on the articles I shared, how my thinking has developed. What I may or may not have learned since that time. Why I came to delete the blog which I feel is very relevant to what I’m seeing in today’s culture. I wondered about starting that reflection now, yet I also wonder if maybe I need to pause and reflect on what I’m trying to achieve with my writing at the moment.
Writing is good for me. My identity is closely tied up with being a writer. Aged eight, possibly, I was reading a novel at school and had a flash of inspiration - I wanted to write stories like the one I was reading. When I do write, I feel like I’m doing what I was made to do. It took me a long time to learn though that it isn’t enough for me to just write. I need to discipline that writing such that I’m writing towards a clear goal. That clear goal may be as basic as - write a book inspired by a title. I also need to follow through. The sheer creative release of banging words down is quite intoxicating at times. Yet if I do not make the effort afterwards to edit and rewrite and format and publish, well, who will ever read what I’ve written? If I don’t publish books, stories or articles, will I ever get paid and perhaps one day achieve the goal of being able to write full time as a career?
I’m trying to work out what this blog is for. This SubStack. I want to work towards this goal, this goal 31: To be and do all that God wants of me. Last week, I had a mini crisis. I was convicted while writing the last chapters of Preparing for Prison by the teaching in the book of James. Am I producing clear, pure drinking water out of the well of my heart, or am I producing bitter water? James repeats again and again in his letter that the tongue is dangerous and needs to be controlled. My writing is as much an expression of my heart as any spoken word. I have a lot of anger. Paul writes: In your anger do not sin. Jesus said: “I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.” At times I wonder if it would be better if I never wrote or spoke again. I need to reflect. I need to seek God’s guidance. We do say and write things that we later regret. Is it better or worse to bring into the light what has been written and judge myself? I think what I’ve found in the past and learned over the last few years is that we all need to be constantly weighing up what we say and do. The judgement of the crowd may be cruel and unjust, yet we appear to be made to need the feedback of others. A healthy civilisation will give feedback to guide people towards truth and a higher standard of living. I feel our civilisation is in imminent danger of collapse due to the unhealthy way in which mobs quickly gather to destroy those who question and criticise.
It is a dangerous thing to stand against a mob. The last time I attempted to do so with my previous blog, I ended up deleting that blog. I still feel shame that was my response. The sin of Peter, denying Jesus when he knew his own life was at stake. I’ve been writing about preparing for prison. Yet how easy would it be to be faced with a threat now and again bow to the pressure to recant, to shut up, to deny the truth?
Somehow I need to navigate this, attempting to keep my job, serve my God, do right by my family, be the person God made me to be. I’d like to share this journey with you, if you would be interested in joining or following me.
I hope to publicly share a few more books over the next months and years. Perhaps it is better not to say too much about those yet. But I have started a 31 Days of Prayer for Israel. I would like to write and share prayers for families dealing with children who identify as trans. I have ideas for books related to my work. And I have several novels that I am trying to reach a place where I can complete and publish them.
Maybe I should close this with a prayer.
Father in heaven, I give this blog to you. I believe you gave me goal 31: to be and do all that you want of me. An impossible goal for me to achieve but nothing is impossible for you. Where I have failed to live up to this goal, where I have sinned and fallen short of what you want of me, forgive me. Guide me and lead me in my writing and my actions that I will serve you and those you have given me to serve. Give me what I need that I can be and do all that you want of me. Amen